Light and Darkness

If there is no darkness, how would we know what light is?
Or if there where no ugliness, how would we know what beauty is?

I know I am blessed. There's just so much to be thankful for. The rich blessings God has lavished even when I least deserve it. Yet I also know, behind the smile, there's also a broken part inside me. I'd be lying if I said it was a small matter, or an insignificant memory. Yet I feel guilty that I harp upon that empty puzzle when God has filled the other pieces of my life so wonderfully.

So I am torn. I do not want to look at the missing areas when I should see the filled parts. But that irritating issue still manages to gnaw upon me when I least realize it.

I do realize that I am being overtly petty on such a small issue. The irony is that I would advise other people to just get over it and focus on the good God is doing. Most of the time I'm okay, actually, quite happy with how life is going right now.

But you know, this small little thing has it's way of bobbling up just, just when I thought it has passed. To my deep annoyance and anguish! Bleh...stupid Sarah!

Sometimes I wonder why I am so stupid to still be in this situation. If I were an outsider looking into this, I would just roll my eyes and think "How come this girl just can't get it? Life is like that. You can't win all the time. And it will fade. Just be patient and wait upon God." Which is why I try not to talk about this anymore. It's just plain idotic. Yes I know.

And it's not like there's any hope at all. Zlich okay!

But you see, the other part of me still refuses to budge no matter how I shove it, hide it, torture it. That's why I don't like me in this situation. Because I betray my own self. I betray my own common sense and sound mind.

Oh well.

Lord, I have done all I can. It's not like I want this. Oh no!

But I realize, if there's no darkness, truly how would I know what light is?
If I never needed healing, how would I experience the power of the Healer?
If I had everything I needed, how would I need You?

So yea, as much as I hate being in this situation, with an aching heart, I whisper this. Thank you for allowing this to happen to me even though it makes me seem idiotic to myself. For it makes me realize, just as Paul said, I can't even trust myself to do the things I want to. But it teaches me a greater reliance on You. That I am not confident of myself because I can handle such and such or that I can do this and that, but simply because You love me unconditionally.

You will see me through.

And I won't appear silly and stupid.

Not because I am not silly or stupid though. But because You love me even if I am silly and stupid. And that makes me no longer silly and stupid!

Haha. :) God is good even when we are not.

I also don't know why I publish nonsense like this...but I think it's because it makes me accountable to myself to what I pray to God. And that it is something "public" gives me the push to keep accountable. So that when bleh days hit me...I'd remember that I've typed this out. And if you read this..haha..I know what you are thinking "Aiyo, girl..that is a small issue."

If you are still reading..haha..do something else. :) truly this place is not worth your time.