Of openess 1

A story starts with a beginning and a philosophy starts with a reason.
My story of transparency began a few months into university. Being more regular in cell group both in campus and in church I began to notice a personal trend. There would be questions, issues that I was struggling with and bursting to share yet it would get smothered by my own reluctance to open up. After all who would dare stick up his/her hand and say I'm struggling with such and such when others are mumbling that the biggest struggle and prayer requests were that of exams. There was somehow an unspoken rule; we'll talk about our external struggles but not our internal. We will be pleasant with each other, we wouldn't want to have negative impressions of one another, we're good Christians after all and so lets stick to struggles everyone deems as "safe"

Fearful and petrified that I was the only one wrestling with these issues, I wondered what was wrong with my spiritual life. No one seemed to be struggling; was I the only one who did not have faith? Was I the only one who found prayer a chore? Was I the only one dissatisfied with such and such?

I guess I was crazy enough one day to say.."this is what I'm struggling over" in 2 cgs. I remember the awkward silence that followed. It was an embarrassing struggle; the struggle of singleness and contentment. And at the time I doubt some even knew me well enough to know if I was attached or not.

I must say, I went away feeling really exposed; now people will know that I'm not that cool after all..gasp I'm unattractive! (haha, I'm never cool to begin with so I guess it was pride). But what followed up after that was amazing. It was only after that, my friendships with Cindy and Philip grew deep. And from then on, through relating with others in dual roles of both sharing and hearing, my eyes were opened to the reality of life; everyone is not as cool as they seem. I realized no one is immune; not even the most profilic leader nor the strongest Christian.

My own journey of transparency and being privileged to share in others' have revolutionized my Christian life. It has allowed me to learn from the lessons of others; to gain from their experiences and to see God's hand in their lives. At the same time, sharing my own has opened up deep friendships, invaluable advice and most importantly brought in accountability.

Yet over the course of championing openness I've also learnt a couple of lessons on the way. Certain mistakes that I shouldn't have made and in others where applying wisdom would have been helpful.
And thus, this is why I've decided to start a series on the issue of transparency; for better or worst some people in CF associate transparency with me....so I do want to be sharing the right thing and to warn of pitfalls as well.


I'll leave this 1st post with a poem I found to be true...
If we cannot be true to ourselves in the very place we call refugee, then were can we can we hide?


Where?

If this is not a place where tears are understood
Then where should I go to cry?

And if this is not a place where my spirit can take wings
Then where should I go to fly?

I don't need another place for tryin' to impress you
With just how good and virtuous I am,
no, no, no.

I don't need another place for always bein' the top of things
Everybody knows that it's a sham,
It's a sham

I don't need another place for always wearing smiles
Even when it's not the way I feel.

I don't need another place to mouth the same old platitudes
Everybody knows that it's not real.

So if this is not a place where my questions can be asked
Then where shall I go and seek?

And if this is not a place where my heart's cry can be heard
Where, tell me
Where, shall I go to speak?

Ken Medema