Being real

The Velveteen Rabbit

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, to his friend the Skin Horse. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

"I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled.

"The Boy's Uncle made me Real," he said. "That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."

******************************************************

I must admit it is tough to be real. You lower down your defenses, exposure your weakness and allow people to peer at the broken pieces of your heart. It puts you in a defenceless, vulnerable position. Yet for a Christian it is so essential to be real, for until and unless we admit that we need a Savior, we can't be saved. Plus, until we lower down our masks, can anyone see the tears we cry to give a supporting hand?

As hard as it is to be real, I realize it's even harder to love someone who's real. Especially in the realm of *cough* bgr...haha.

After all, when another person is real, he/she exposes his/her weaknesses and fragilities. Naturally as humans, we tend to "choose" the strongest, the bravest, the "most spiritual", the most stable, the one least likely to annoy us etc....
Of course, this is not wrong..and yes, we should be careful when deciding on our future partner...after all it's a lifetime agreement with no refunds we are entering into.

Yet, sometimes we may run the risk of choosing someone who wears his/her masks well than someone who's real. It is far easier to fall in love with the seemingly perfect person than another who dares to admit his/her weakness. Likewise, it's easier to be the "perfect" person and keep hidden all our quirky habits and unique personalities than to be who we really are for the fear of rejection from the other party.

No wonder it's sometimes easier to fall for someone we hardly know than our close friends.

For we know our friends inside out; all the things that make them angry, depressed, sad, their failures, their insecurities. And of course, they know all our neuroticities, our fears, our weakness as well.

Where as with a someone that we might not know so well, we might subconsciously project our ideal qualities on them. After all, if we have never seen him/her get angry we might just well assume he/she never gets mad...or since we barely know how he/she reacts to a situation, in our love strucked hearts we might just think he/she handles everything well.

Immature love will choose someone who looks the most dashing in his armour or her makeup.

But mature love is a love that looks at all imperfection and still says, "Hey, I know you are this and this and that...but still I choose to love you because I see beyond your imperfections, just as you see beyond mine. Let's work together in this journey to overcome our imperfections, but lets accept each other just as we are as well."

Of course, it's easier said than done. Again as I said before, the more you know a person, the more you'd come to discover his/her good qualities AND imperfection as well...(vice versa too).

But given a choice, would you (or I) want to spend our lives with a masked person (just like the man in the iron mask)
or someone who'd allow us to look into his/her eyes?

Someone who's immaculately dressed without a hair out of place?
or someone we can just lounge in pyjamas with?

Someone who has perfect grammar and tenses?
Or someone who we can just laugh with?

But most importantly,

Someone who may seem perfect by hidding from us..
or...someone who trusts us enough to be real with us...
...and ...someone we trust enough to be real too as well...

Truly as the story of the velveteen rabbit goes...
"Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

So yea, by being real, we might appear ugly to those who don't understand....
Yet...only when we truly allow ourselves to be real and in the process learn to love another who's real...

"When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

we can be sure that love will last a long, long time...

Disclaimer...this doesn't mean going to everybody and anybody with your deepest and darkest secrets...haha...but simply being real, honest and accountable to people dear to you.

Sometimes

Sometimes I just feel like being immature
Shout, rant and scold that person for making my life miserable

Sometimes I just like to sleep and sleep and sleep
Because it's just too tiring to get up and face all the problems

Sometimes I just like to not care at all
Cuz I am too weary of caring anymore

Sometimes I want to just let myself be impatient
Or not consider the future
Make impulsive desicions
Follow the heart

But I realize You made rules for a good reason.
Not to kill my fun but to protect me.

And in the long run, it always make sense to be patient.
And to just depend on You to make things perfect, in Your time.

Studies and God?

After 5 semesters in IMU I don't know how to answer when people say that IMU Christians are too busy studying to serve God. I get tongue tied when people ask me, "So do you think I should take up this and this." Or the right words to say when someone wants to lay off "ministry.

This is especially when I'm coming from both sides...a medical student who understands the vigors and strain of studying....but also a "leader" who understands that serving God takes us to a deeper level with God. (Please excuse me that I'm using the moniker leader loosly) It is true that God must be the first piority and love of our lives. It is essential that we must have no other Gods before Him, even "good" pursuits like the quest for more knowledge can be deadly if they take the place of God. And we as Christians must learn to sacrifice our comfort and time. Only when we serve God, we truly catch the heart of God and feel the urgency in reaching people for God.

But I know as well, how draining juggling both studies and serving God can be. Sometimes it's not that people choose not to serve God when they are studying Medicine, but that they can't even get up of bed to eat dinner...physically tired by the real demands of a medical doctor/student. Added to the stress of constantly memorizing and trying to keep alive a semblance of a normal social life is just crazy.

I'm not saying that our busy schedules are an excuse to not serve God. But I'm just saying we need to reconsider what we catagorize serving as. Or at least I need to reconsider serving as.

The issue of serving has been on my mind lately...especially when I recognize I am nearing burnout at this busy period. Most of us think serving as being in the Christian Fellowship or church...either playing the guitar or speaking or counseling...etc...but I've come to realize that sometimes a lot of church activities actually cap our time on our interaction with non-Christians. In fact, being too busy in church can be a bad thing...after all, Jesus called us to be fishers of men and not fish tenders of Christians.

Sometimes I feel it's better to be a basketball club member who shares the gospel through example on the court than a CF president who is busy with meetings till she has no time to go out with non-Christian friends for a movie.

But then again, if we do not have Christian leaders, we won't be inspired to share the gospel on court... If we don't attend CF/CG, we won't be reminded/inspired to share with our basketball chums. And if there's nobody to organize CF/CG, how would we attend CF/CG? Going back to the busy medical student issue.

Which do you think is serving God better? A hardworking student who gives his best in studies, have great grades and goes to church every week. Or an average student who could be better if he spent more time in his books, but who makes time to serve in the worship team, attends CG and church?

Coming from the point of view of a Christian leader I would say Mr2nd...You know how we say...grades are all not that important...it's who we impact...who we serve...making your life count...purposeful life...etc but let's just say..the first student because of his hard work finds a cure to cancer...won't he impact more lives? And if he studies extremely hard not because studies is the 1st piority in life..but he wants to glorify God by doing well...essentially his service is his dedication in studies...is his service "less" honouring just because he doesn't be actively involved in church?

I realize that it's very easy to but studies as our idol as a medical student. But I also realize if we do not give our best, we are also doing God a great disservice! Then, can we have it all? Both a good student and still serve in ministries?

I think that I'm trying to "have it all" Be a great student, be a good leader, be a good friend, be a good friend to non-Christians, have enough time to mix around with diff people in my batch, have enough time to make sure people in CF are doing ok...ppl in CG too...doing all at once can be draining to say the least.

I don't know...

More and more...as we go deeper into medicine, we'd have less and less time for "service" And if we try to overexert ourselves, it'll be havoc...physically and spiritually... Yet if we don't "serve" are we just chasing knowledge that will cure the physical but not the spiritual?

There's so much I don't know yet. I can say that I'll serve God(in the normal way we use the word serving. CG leader, etc) no matter what now but if you tell me this 4 years down the line, as a tired houseman I might just say it was naivity.

But there's one thing I believe will hold true...the true condition of our heart determines whether we "serve" God or not. Be it just controlling our temper as a tired houseman and being polite to the nurse...that would be serving God. Studying hard as a student with the right attitude to honour God (without using it as an excuse to mask it as an idol before God or a simple cliche..but a real conviction)...that would be serving God. Being a pastor is also service, just as being a stay at home mum...

It makes sense to say it's better to serve God by being a kind and patient doctor who might not have other "ministries" than a tired, impatient doctor who's too worn out from leading CG, speaking in church etc.

But of course if you can do both..that's better.. :)

So where to serve. What to serve in. Should you " serve"? How much is too much or how little is too little? Are you doing enough? Too much?

I really don't know. I dare not comment prematurely. But this I know...serving must start from God...and ultimately, the condition of our hearts matter more. Simply said, are we obedient what He has called us to do? (regardless if it involves campus ministry or speaking or writing or counselling or just doing our responsibilities well)

Serving is ultimately doing what He wants, at the season He wants, by His strength.
As the saying goes, God's work, done in God's timing with God's way will never lack God's blessings.

Ironic

Yea. It's kind of ironic.

Right now at this point of my Christian life, I can say this...

"I've never been more unsure of my faith, yet I've never been more sure of my faith either."

Right now....
I feel as if I have never been closer to God than ever, and yet also, further than God than ever.
I believe so much, yet I also doubt so much.
I've never have had so much peace over my own questions, yet I've never have had so much confusion over my own questions.
I'm so tired of all this Christian stuff, yet I'm energetic for all this Christian stuff.
I'm terribly unsure of what I say, yet I'm very sure that's what I want to say.

The war against me and myself.

Maybe 6months break is a good time to re-orient myself.
Cuz right now I totally don't want to serve yet I totally want to serve when I go overseas.
Hahaha. Sheesh..haha..complex girl!

But I guess at least like what Eu Pui says...it's better to be struggling than dead.

An observation on hope

Sometime ago I read this from somewhere I don't remember, haha...but basically it was a comment from a reporting journalist.

When he looked at the refugees from the war, the one thing that struck him the most was not their tarred clothings, nor their emmicated state or their jutting bones over their dry skin, though those were jarring enough. It was their eyes. Not because their eyes were tired or tear filled. But that their eyes had loss the spark of hope. Just a blank look. It almost seemed as they have given up on life. Merely existing, not living.

Hope is prominent in Christian life. After all, if it's not for the hope of heaven, a better tomorrow, a world free of tears and suffering; the hope of eternity with Jesus, the message of Salvation would not appeal to our wounded souls. It is hope that keeps us going rite?

I've come to realize that I have a problem with this thing called hope. It's either I hope too much, or I don't hope at all.

The thing is if you hope too much, you'd be disappointed. Things don't turn out the way you hope them to be. Being human and all, when things go wrong, it does disappoint and hurt. And it's a terrible feeling to be disappointed in God because you love him (imperfectly but love nonetherless) and you know that He is good. But the disappointed feelings still linger.

Then because you don't want to be disappointed in God, you choose not to hope. After all, disappointments are unmet expectations. No expectations, means no disappointments. No disappointments with God is a good thing right?

Which brings me back to the comment by the journalist. The refugess had lost hope. Not because they wanted to, but because it was just too tiring, too hearbreaking to hope. It's not easy to hope and have it dashed, only to rise up and hope again, then to have some other calamity burn it again..and to move on and hope..then to have another disaster happen...the cycle. It's a self-defense mechanism to let go of hope.

When you don't hope, you no longer feel sad when hope is not what you hoped for. Yet, it would mean, you no longer feel at all.

And I know it because in some sense I've learnt that the hard way this semester. As a hardened semester 5 medical student (haha!) I ceased to hope because I was just tired of the cycle when hope disappointed. It's better to feel nothing at all then to feel crushed right? True, I no longer felt sad when I didn't hope, because the prevailing attitude was..."Bad things happen, part of life, so whatever la." Or "doesn't matter what's going on." "So what if that and that country is in war?" "People are evil. Period. I can't do anything, so why should I care?" "I just want to finish sem 5 and get away from IMU as fast as possible, forget everything here man!"

My heart no longer bled because it was calloused. But it meant that I was existing, not living. I no longer looked forward to life. No anticipation. Just a prevaling sense of cynicism. Skeptisim. Being someone I dislike the most, an indifferent person. No longer believing in love. In dreams. In happiness. In the good of mankind. In the beauty of this world. In change.

And guess what, the lack of hope in God, in life also signals the lack of trust in His plans for my life.

I imagine that Hannah would have felt the same way. Year after year crying to God for a child? A child she so desperately wanted, and was even willing to give God? Some more get scolded by the high priest? Was it even wrong for a woman to desire to be a mother? She could have just chose to be skeptical and forget everything. Why still hope? Yet she persisted. And God blessed her.

And I realize, hope is not pretty, but hope is beautiful. Hope is never pretty because it may not have a sharp nose, or deep set eyes, perfect mouth, great skin. But hope is beautiful because hope has eyes that are gentle, mouth that speaks comforting words...in short, beauty that transends time.

Yes, it may hurt to hope at times and not everything we hope for will come true. But to feel would mean that you are alive. They say the first to go in concentration camps are those who have lost all hope.

So yea, by choosing to hope, I might risk my feelings more. I might cry more about injustice. I may hurt more when I feel about people. I might be sad when I see unfairness going around. I might be discouraged when the change I want to see don't happen. I might tear when I read another book. Things may not go the way I'd hope it to be. I might be disappointed at times.

But at least, I'd be alive. Alive to feel. Alive to receive from Him and alive enough to give away. And his grace is sufficient for me; even when I am disappointed in Him. He will pick me up again and give me enough hope to hope on. He will mold misplaced hopes, and craft promising ones.

If there's anyone I'd risk hope with, I'd risk it with God. He knows what to do with my hopes. So hope on. Hope on in Him! Never stop believing that truly, truly He has good plans for your life, and plans to prosper you and give you a good future.

Light and Darkness

If there is no darkness, how would we know what light is?
Or if there where no ugliness, how would we know what beauty is?

I know I am blessed. There's just so much to be thankful for. The rich blessings God has lavished even when I least deserve it. Yet I also know, behind the smile, there's also a broken part inside me. I'd be lying if I said it was a small matter, or an insignificant memory. Yet I feel guilty that I harp upon that empty puzzle when God has filled the other pieces of my life so wonderfully.

So I am torn. I do not want to look at the missing areas when I should see the filled parts. But that irritating issue still manages to gnaw upon me when I least realize it.

I do realize that I am being overtly petty on such a small issue. The irony is that I would advise other people to just get over it and focus on the good God is doing. Most of the time I'm okay, actually, quite happy with how life is going right now.

But you know, this small little thing has it's way of bobbling up just, just when I thought it has passed. To my deep annoyance and anguish! Bleh...stupid Sarah!

Sometimes I wonder why I am so stupid to still be in this situation. If I were an outsider looking into this, I would just roll my eyes and think "How come this girl just can't get it? Life is like that. You can't win all the time. And it will fade. Just be patient and wait upon God." Which is why I try not to talk about this anymore. It's just plain idotic. Yes I know.

And it's not like there's any hope at all. Zlich okay!

But you see, the other part of me still refuses to budge no matter how I shove it, hide it, torture it. That's why I don't like me in this situation. Because I betray my own self. I betray my own common sense and sound mind.

Oh well.

Lord, I have done all I can. It's not like I want this. Oh no!

But I realize, if there's no darkness, truly how would I know what light is?
If I never needed healing, how would I experience the power of the Healer?
If I had everything I needed, how would I need You?

So yea, as much as I hate being in this situation, with an aching heart, I whisper this. Thank you for allowing this to happen to me even though it makes me seem idiotic to myself. For it makes me realize, just as Paul said, I can't even trust myself to do the things I want to. But it teaches me a greater reliance on You. That I am not confident of myself because I can handle such and such or that I can do this and that, but simply because You love me unconditionally.

You will see me through.

And I won't appear silly and stupid.

Not because I am not silly or stupid though. But because You love me even if I am silly and stupid. And that makes me no longer silly and stupid!

Haha. :) God is good even when we are not.

I also don't know why I publish nonsense like this...but I think it's because it makes me accountable to myself to what I pray to God. And that it is something "public" gives me the push to keep accountable. So that when bleh days hit me...I'd remember that I've typed this out. And if you read this..haha..I know what you are thinking "Aiyo, girl..that is a small issue."

If you are still reading..haha..do something else. :) truly this place is not worth your time.

Of star carpets and furry books

It has been a "dry" semester. Pessimism seem to be the rule of my thoughts. Sometimes even while hearing a great sermon, I can't help but squirm inside when my thoughts poison the very little faith I have left.

"Oh..what's the difference if you feel empowered now? After you walk out of the door and when you open your books, you'd feel defeated again?"

"Look at the juniors. Worry for them! Do you know when your juniors commit regularly to CF/CG they'll be exhausted and dry like you?"

"Yes, you can sing and lift up your hands now during worship. Even close your eyes and feel good. But you know yourself better. You'd fail and complain against God within this week!"

"You are a leader that who's sometimes not very sure of 'prayer' or 'faith' or even the purpose of the existence of CF?"

Yes. I must be real even as I tell people around me to be real.

Even if it puts me in the tight spot. Especially, especially as a leader.

Sigh....

Yes. I do get skeptical. About life. About faith.

So what has these got to do with star carpets and furry books?

You see, today I visited Borders. After a long, long hiatus of shopping alone, I finally had the time to lepak alone. (yea I actually enjoy this...haha...explains why I think too much)

I was feeling just a bit jaded about exams, ministry, bgr and life.

Just stepping into the bookstore was a breath of fresh air. You can just smell the scent of fresh paper tightly bound...mingled with the faint aroma of fresh coffee brewing in the nearby Starbucks outlet. With soft jazz music and books, lovely books all around.

Normally I would grab a book? or some mags? and browse through....

But today...somehow I was drawn to go to the kids section. Yea, the kids section.

It was at first slightly weird...with children and their parents all around....and stars printed in the velvety blue carpet....

But hey...no sweat! I just felt a wash of familitry and comfort as my eyes scanned through the covers of some books. I remember being young. When I would look forward to feasting my eyes on the beautifully coloured pictures. Or be whisked away in the fairy tale romance of sleeping beauty (without going...yea right...where got can sleep for 100 years? and Mr Prince Charming?...gah...mana ada such thing).

I remember how as a child I would look forward to nights where my dad read about Jesus and Lazarus. Or go wide eyed when I read in a science book that vinegar mixed with baking soda with a dash of red colouring could mimic a volcano! (My friends and I actually tried it..really works..but terrible smell!)

I remember when I was simply amazed when I learnt in Sunday School that Jesus could feed 5000 men with 2 fish and 5 loaves. Remember the kids bible with colourful visuals? Where Jesus had a beard and a kind smile? And how we would sing "Jesus loves me this I know for the bible tells me so." With a full, trusting heart.

Sitting crosslegged on the blue carpet amidst the chatter and laughter of 5 year olds I read a book that had a furry covering that told the tale of a lion. I picked another by Max Lucado which was a twist on Pinnochio relating to our Christian faith. There was another about a 10 year old angsty girl who doesn't like the guy next to her in class and who hates to eat cornflakes. And Dr Seuss books.

I felt young, light again. Happy. Trusting.

Truly, I realized, what He said was right. We need child like faith.

I guess sometimes...we just need to learn to see the colours of life a bit more vividly. And trust God to write beautiful love stories. Or simply laugh with Him. Enjoy learning along with Him in a story called life. Go wide eyed as He blesses us with surprises like the surprises in pop-up books. Or simply bask in His love as He tells us stories of His goodness.

We need to sit crosslegged again and laugh. Eat ice cream. Giggle. Put our small hands in his strong yet gentle hand.

Yes, to be a child again. Where Dad would read a story...and thrill us with interesting journey with dragons and fire but a brave Prince fighting on; with a nail bitting climax that seem to be almost lost but then "ah ha!" always ends with a great ending where the Prince triumphs.

Only now...that story is real.